Diary of an Almost-Saint

by Carol Cross

12:30 PM SUNDAY, 12/7/08

What a great service! As a community, Journeys is going to take on a 21-day challenge to spend our days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. The energy is great as we rush towards the front door to snatch up our purple bands, symbols of our commitment to let forth nothing but positive, empowering words for the next few weeks.

“This should be easy,” I think to myself as I slip on my violet rubber. After all, more than one person, after reading the review for that new movie, Happy Go Lucky, said “She sounds just like you!” I have numerous friends with whom I have running jokes about being half full, and I feel especially empowered after Friday's announcement about the power of a positive person to spread happiness like a virus. What a great way to validate what a positive, non-complaining, non-critical person I am! (Of course, gossiping is completely outside my realm of experience.)

12:31 PM SUNDAY

First hint arises that it may not be as easy as I was thinking. “Why are you in such a good mood?” asks my nearly-ten-years-old son as we drive out of the parking lot. “What do you mean?” I ask back. “I'm in the same mood as I always am,” I assert. “No way,” he replies. “You're a lot happier than usual.” Hmmmmm. Could it be that I overestimate my cheery approach to the world?

As usual, I ask him about his Sunday School experience, and receive no useful information in return. However, unlike EVERY OTHER SUNDAY SINCE WE'VE BEEN GOING TO JOURNEYS, he then asks me what we talked about in our service. So I tell him (in retrospect, a big mistake). “Wow,” he exclaims, when I tell him about our challenge. “That's going to be REALLY HARD when you have a kid!”

What do they say about “Out of the mouth of babes”.......?

1:00 PM SUNDAY

One of the dads of our homeschooling families helps to run the Poinsettia competition that NC State holds every year, so we stop by on our way home from church. They have over 110 different varieties of poinsettias on display, and visitors are supposed to choose their top three favorites in different categories, such as Red, White, Marbled, and Novelty. My son chooses his favorites and I choose mine, and then we compare.

However, we get to the last page, where we are asked to list not only our top three favorites overall, but our three least favorites. Is choosing a “least favorite” criticism? Is even choosing a top three preferences an implied criticism of the others? Have I blown my vow already, simply by filling out the questionnaire? But this is scientific research, I argue with myself. Science could never progress without people speaking the truth. Surely this doesn't count against my vow.

I give myself a “bye” in honor of Galileo, Newton, Einstein, and all other searchers of scientific enlightenment everywhere.

2:00 PM SUNDAY

Another existential challenge presents itself before we have even made it home yet. During December, my son requests that we play the “all Christmas all the time” radio station while we are in the car. I am only allowed to turn off said station during the song “Mary Did You Know,” which makes me weep so much that I become a danger driving (compared to my more common tearing-up over such songs as “I'll Be Home for Christmas,” “Little Drummer Boy,” or even “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” )

However, the song that comes on is not a weeper at all. It is a song that I have never heard before, something that is called “The Twelve Pains of Christmas,” in which the singers regale us, over and over again, about everything they HATE about the holiday. “This is a whole song about complaining,” I think. “If I listen to complaining, does that disqualify me? I don't like this song, but does the statement of not liking a song count as a criticism? But if I complain about a song because the song is about complaining, is that like a double negative that cancels itself out and turns into a positive?”

I am unable to resolve this dilemma within my own mind before the song ends. However, I am beginning to suspect that this idea what this whole challenge would be so great might have occurred because I was under the influence of the fabulous European Cookie Collection that my friend Kathleen brought to church this morning.

2:30 PM SUNDAY

OK, if the next incident is a “sin,” I don't think it counts because OBVIOUSLY I was in a low blood sugar state, having not eaten lunch until now because of my commitment to our family's spiritual growth and to the advancement of poinsettia science.

So we finally get home and I fix lunch for my son first (of course), and then finally get to eat myself. As I am eating, I am trying to catch up on the Washington Post Celebritology Column, which contains nuggets of information that enrich my life. Case in Point: What do I read that day BUT that none other than JOHNNY DEPP---my personal demi-god of prosperity, artistic integrity, familial commitment, and all-around male desirablility—is going to star as Dante in a movie about The Divine Comedy. I mean, how INCREDIBLE is that? ( think that it is my friend Lorna's final birthday present.)

This is news that I really need to know.

However, it is buried in items such as “A-Rod already straying from Madonna,” “ Boy George Too Fat to Attack Male Escort,” “Amy Winehouse visits husband in hospital for farewell bonk,” etc. etc. etc. So is all that gossip? If I read it, does that mean I am gossiping, even if I don't pass it on? Does it count if it involves stars that I don't know (like Heidi and Spencer) from a show that I've never seen (the OC? the Hills? the Gossip Girls? who know?) about a wedding that may or may not have happened? But how do you NOT read these things? We've already banned the TV from our house, but it seeps in via the Internet and the newspaper and even the grocery store check-out line. Does it require a complete escape from society to avoid being exposed to gossippy content?

3:00 PM SUNDAY

Too exhausted by these questions to continue, I retreat into a nap.

4:00 PM SUNDAY

I am awakened by a call from my husband, who has been out of town at a training all weekend and phoned to say he would be home in two hours. This awakens in me two contradictory feelings: pleasure and panic. While I am glad to have him come home, I realize that the house has fallen into a state that I interpret as as “creative chaos” but that he interprets as simply “a mess.”

However, I realize that I can't let HIS interpretation impinge on my consciousness, since it is obviously a criticism and thus not allowed (at least during the next 21 days). On the other hand, I would like to still be married at the conclusion of the challenge.

So I decide to clean. But I don't allow those pesky judgments like “filthy” or “slobby” or “pig sty” to permeate my enlightened brain.

8:00 PM SUNDAY

By now I've cleaned up (such as is possible) and fixed two different soups (Turkey Barley and vegan Cream of Broccoli) and had dinner and am cleaning up (AGAIN....see why I'm not so empowered about the whole cleaning thing?) and talking to my friend whose homeschool First Lego League just won FIRST PLACE in all of North Carolina. In the midst of our discussions of our weekends, I stop to tell my son to stop doing...whatever.... because it will lead to...whatever, but some kind of a problem....and then he will have to do...whatever, either clean it up or fix it or buy a new one, etc. I put it in this generic context because, of course, this is a statement I have to make about, oh, ONE HUNDRED TIMES a day. However, as is true of the approximately FIFTY TIMES this has happened since we left Journeys, my son declares, “THAT'S A CRITICISM! You have to change your bracelet again.” I argue that it is not a criticism, merely a statement of the rules in our house and the consequences of breaking them (as I have the previous forty-nine times). This time, however, perhaps sensing my weakness in trying to maintain a phone conversation while going through this ritual, he grabs my purple band and tries to slide it off my hand to move it to the other one. I struggle with him and eventually wrestle the band out of his hand and threaten him with immediate bedtime if he does not listen to me.

All of this, of course, fails to convince my completely agnostic friend on the other end of the phone about how a regular commitment to a spiritual community uplifts one's life......

11:00 PM SUNDAY

OK, I've finally gotten my son in his room....it's too much to expect him to be sleeping, or even necessarily in bed, but he's quiet and within collapsing room of his slumber area, which is pretty much as good as it gets. I'm reviewing the day and still trying to decide whether or not I've transgressed the rules. Lots of things went on, and lots of thoughts were whirling around, but no complaining or criticizing words left my mouth, so I guess I'm good, huh?

11:55 PM SUNDAY

I'm about to drift off, but still wondering about this 21 days thing. Is it the same kind of thing as repenting and accepting Christ as your savor? Like, can you do it a few seconds before the executioner's axe hits your neck and it still counts? So could I switch the bracelet now, just in case some of those activities went over the line, and still count this as one of my 21 days?

4:00 AM MONDAY, 12/8/08

A nightmare woke me up. What if I've got it all wrong? What if it is not only the words that I speak, but the words that I THINK? YIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!! If this “no criticism, complains, or gossip” business includes thoughts, forget it. I'll never make it.

I decide to declare that the rule only covers spoken words (Bill was talking about the tongue, after all). However, lingering doubts keep me awake for at least another couple of hours....

9:00 AM MONDAY

OK, so I USED to think that Lorna was my friend, but OBVIOUSLY, she isn't, she's just a big temptress. I got this great email from her in the morning about noticing the things that keep occurring in your life and paying attention to them. And then after that, I got an email from JC Penney about their latest sale, but it also included a link to their video about the Doghouse. I had heard a friend talk about how funny that video was (OK, so it was that woman on the radio, Delilah, but she's everyone's friend, right? Plus, she only plays that happy, positive music, so anything she recommends has to be good, wouldn't you think?). So, inspired by Lorna's email right before that about following up on what recurs in your life, I click on a link. It leads to this REALLY FUNNY video that rags on men who buy their wives/girlfriends TOTALLY inappropriate gifts, like vacuum cleaners and exercise equipment, and they get sent to this Doghouse (the Penney version of the Divine Comedy, in fact) where they have to fold sheets and match socks and eat quiche until they can redeem themselves. The thing was so funny that I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. But then I thought, “OH NO! Does a laugh count? Is a laugh a word?”

But, hey, what if it isn't criticism, but satire? Satire is a fine art, right? Think of all the artists who used satire—Mark Twain, Lewis Carroll, Oscar Wilde, etc. etc. etc. And SURELY, just like I know that Bill doesn't want us to undermine science, I'm convinced he wants us to continue to appreciate art. So I don't think this one counts, either..... I mean, what is everyone supposed to do? Give up Leno and Letterman and everyone else for the next three weeks?

Anyway, I blame it all on that troublemaker, Lorna. At least I think I've found a loophole, because he didn't say “No blaming.” So there!

12:00 PM MONDAY

I stop by the store of a friend of mine who also comes to Journeys but missed it on Sunday to tell her about this great new challenge. Her response: “I'm glad I wasn't there yesterday.” Another woman who works there says it would be impossible for her to do that, because she has three teenaged boys and 75% of all they say is complaints, criticism, and gossip and eventually she responds in kind. But she eventually decides to set herself the challenge of not complaining or criticizing or gossiping with her children for ... one hour. It's a stretch, but she thinks she should be able to accomplish it within a week or so.

So see how we're transforming the world around us by our stand!

3:00 PM MONDAY

I call my friend Diane, who is another homeschool mom who also goes to Journeys, and ask her how her challenge is going. She tells me, “I'm getting a skin burn from having to change my bracelet so often.” We argue about whether it is worse to have one's husband (hers, as he sits on the couch watching television) or one's son (mine, anytime, anywhere) constantly telling you that you need to switch your band based on what they hear you say. We agree that neither one is empowering. We also agree that this is much more complicated that we thought when we first embraced our purple bands.

5:00 PM MONDAY

Man, I think I'm going to petition Bill for some kind of exemption for homeschool moms. I mean, it is our JOB to teach our children, which, by necessity, involves some form of EVALUATION. However, it seems impossible to have our children see the difference between constructive parental guidance and criticism. Diane is lucky because at least her children tell her to just take off the bracelet when they are going to have a discussion that might be, shall we say?, problematic. Whereas MY son has turned into a modern day Javert, dedicated to tracking down any questionable utterance and demanding the immediate punishment of bracelet switching. And the thing is, he is with me about 16 HOURS A DAY. Man, if I wanted this kind of constant oversight and judgment and need to repent for my sins, I would just go to a REAL church.....

Hmmmm.....that gives me an idea.....

 

6:00 PM MONDAY

Our Lady of the Angels Monastery
2265 Monastery Drive
Crozet, VA 22931

Dear Sisters:

I am writing to see if it would be possible to spend a short period with you all....21 days, to be exact. Because I am requesting to become part, albeit temporarily, of your close-knit community, I feel compelled to be honest with you. I am not a Catholic. Actually, I don't think I am even a Christian. (Well, that is, I believe that Jesus was the son of God, but also I believe that I'm the daughter of God, as are you all, and Angelina Jolie and Hillary Clinton and that hot singer/actress that the President of France married and even Brittany Spears and Lindsey Lohan....so, I don't know, does that fit within your definition of Christianity?) In fact, ordinarily I would have to say that I think that the traditional God as depicted in the Old Testimony seems like a mean, autocratic, cranky, and capricious old man—I mean, what is up with this testing of Abraham and Job? and the whole eating Christ's flesh and drinking Christ's blood is just gross—except that I'm not criticizing anymore, so I won't.

BUT, the thing is, that's OK, because what I LOVE about your order is your commitment to SILENCE! I was disappointed to hear that the old “vow of silence” was a myth, but, hey, as long as we mostly hang out in silence, we should be cool. Because that's what I've decided I need to do....spend 21 days in silence. But I'm good with things like “Pass the salt” and “Wash the dishes” and “Read this book”--I don't think that will get me into any problems.

Now, the thing is, I'm too busy to do this until after Christmas, and our formal classes start up in the new year before you know it..... plus, I have to be back in time for my son's birthday. So let's see....if I count on the calendar, how many days are there between Christmas and my son's birthday? One, two, three.....OH MY GOODNESS! There are EXACTLY 21 days between Christmas and my son's birthday!!!!! OBVIOUSLY, it was MEANT to be! I have to open presents and cook Christmas dinner, etc., but let's see, I know it's about four to five hours to Charlottesville (I know that because I went to William and Mary, which is only a couple of hours from UVA.....but you won't hold that against me, just because W&M is really a better university than UVA if you leave out the sports, right?), so I can be there before midnight, and I'll have to leave on the 15th in time to have dinner and open presents, so... Will that work for you?

See you soon-
Carol Cross

PS—You all do have Internet access, right? I'll have to order some birthday presents while I'm there....

 

© 2008 Carol Cross. All rights reserved.